bitter sweet

You were all but cruel

You illuminated my heart in manners that revoked life in me 

But that day, my touches lingered, my heart shattered

You were nothing but cruel.

 

Your hugs were all but agonizing

A mere engulf from you and i felt like i had reached home

But that day, the tenderness of your embrace was replaced 

Your hugs were nothing but agonizing.

 

Your presence was all but cold

Your laughter enough to drown out the coolest of winds

But that day, your every chuckle birthed a hail storm within me

Your presence was nothing but cold. 

 

Your words were all but piercing 

Unbeknownst to you, i held on to the comfort of your every word

But that day, as much as i tried, i found none of that solace 

Your words were nothing but piercing.

 

But, You were not cruel.

Your hugs were not agonizing.

Your presence was not cold.

Your words were not piercing. 

 

The situation was cruel.

The realization was agonizing.

The carving of a void was cold. 

The feeling of everything being our last was piercing.

 

You were still all but cruel.

Your hugs were still all but agonizing.

Your presence was still all but cold.

Your words were still all but piercing.

 

And I was proud of you.

you will leave; that's what they all do.

And so will you.

they? all the older ones tied to a distressed soul.

in a way that tortures the distressed souls 

why? because they leave; that's what they all do.

And so will you.

 

coming into my room at 3am with a book in your hand,

looking to reside for a mere 30 minutes which, well, become hours;

hours of talking, reminiscing, goofing and i laugh;

despite all odds, i laugh, because you're here and we're together

but it goes just as swiftly as it comes

it? the laughter.

why? because they leave; that's what they all do.

And so will you.

 

sitting at the table with me to have lunch when everyone's busy

skipping through the channels, begging to find something interesting to watch

we stop to watch grown men fake fight and reminisce those days 

those? when we were 7, well I was, and i delude myself to believe you were too

for; i don't want you to be older than me

why? because they leave; that's what they all do.

And so will you.

 

staying up till dawn, deluding ourselves,

"we'll pass, we'll ace"; the mantra we say over and over again,

giggling because i know that's not even close to what i truly want

then? a forever with you as naive teens; that's what i truly want

and as dramatic as it may be, i crumble when you sleep early for once

why? because they leave; that's what they all do.

And so will you.

 

sitting, with our hands clasped, opposite to each other

tense as we watch it all unfold on the screen in front of us

it? the cricket match where both of our teams hang on the edge 

and we win, they did it;

but it strikes me right then, as I see your face morph into the smile that makes me feel, oh, so loved,

that we, as in and you and me, in fact did not win 

why? because they leave; that's what they all do.

And so will you.

 

talking in hushed whispers, scoffing at our father's behavior

though we don't outright admit it, we both know he's wrong

and we chuckle; for even if the world believes him to be right; who cares?

who cares when it's not us,

us? me and the older brother that has kept me sane 

and i can't help but wish my father acts out more

because even though it wounded me, all i cared about was that we bonded over it

why? because they leave; that's what they all do.

And so will you.

 

And so will you.

And so will you.

And so will you.

I love you.

​

-areesha